Entry 17: I feel Inspired and Compelled

Entry 17: I feel Inspired and Compelled

Sept. 28 2012

I feel so inspired and compelled. For once, I feel really appreciated and credited for my passion and works, and my desire to share with and for people. It feels surreal. Me, being asked to speak out…being appreciated. Huh? I'm a little nervous, but there's no way I'm not going forward.

I can feel the energy and speak from the heart. I went through my whole life with judgmental, ignorant people slamming me down because of my quirky behavior, factoid memory, combined with my girlish-ness, which seemed ditzy to them. I write better than I can speak, even though it’s a subtle discrepancy, and I can speak much better when prompted by special interest, if the speech is scripted out, planned, and sometimes even read off. 

At times, I can come on too strong. I can be forward, intense and speak my mind, though I don’t mean to be that way, and I do it in a nice way. I'm just passionate. Some people have appreciated it and even wanted a friendship, on the flipside. This has had me stumped too. I have a hard time with sustaining friendships in conventional ways, though I am a good and loyal friend too. It’s hard to explain.

Many people would either be demanding of me in a way where I was still disrespected, or automatically dislike me without even knowing me, because I guess they either didn't know what to make of me, or I made them feel insecure somehow.

It hurt because I only wanted to be accepted and to please. They could not understand how I could have a hard time processing certain things, or with changes and spontaneity. They expected too much of me, and put me down when I couldn't do it.

When I finally realized I had autism, many refused to accept it due to very marginalized stereotyping in their heads. Those are not people worth my time anymore, other than to stand up to them assertively, by allying together with others whom have been through these experiences.

I'm certainly not that desperate anymore as to give a damn about what those people thinks when they don't know me, or my heart, and don’t really want the best for me. Change doesn't happen overnight.

More than anything, I want to not care about others negative opinions over the way I am and the course I am taking in healing and thriving in Sharing. The people worth my time are the ones who get me; fellow autistics, and others; neurodivergents, those who have suffered this kind of hardship, know how it is, and are good hearted and open minded.

Scarlit-Rose Ashcraft

aka "Rosie"

www.scarlitrose.org